It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
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It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”