Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
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The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
lol
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
getting corrected