“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
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Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.