I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
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ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.