Going into Monday like
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What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Coffee for people with no kids
Finally a use for spoilers…
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous