I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
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I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Only short people can save us
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave