[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
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*swipes right on my hand mirror
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
#Caturday
That’s what I call a flat tire
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.