Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
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me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
AM I BEING GASLIT????