A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
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Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.