I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
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Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
uh oh