The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
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me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business