Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
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I learned about self care from watching my cat.
This is my bus stop.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
My last name is Zilla.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
There’s no “us” in nachos.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles