Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
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Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
I need better friends
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit