[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
You Might Also Like
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Breaking news:
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.