Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
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[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
nobody’s gonna understand
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]