He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
You Might Also Like
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
We need to put an American base on the sun
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 馃憤
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn鈥檛 actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he鈥檚 doing now
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Kevin Hart 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won鈥檛 believe this
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.