Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
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*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Yoga Matt
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years