The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
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Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses