Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
You Might Also Like
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]