Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
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[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I donβt know who needs to hear this, but itβs time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you donβt have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I did not eat the cake…
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works