Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
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I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Finally, an explanation.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition