Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
You Might Also Like
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
you have three unread messages