I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
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How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law