Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
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[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Happy thanksgiving
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.