someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
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You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
School be like
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*