Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
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If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
These are my roll models.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.