Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
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“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Cinematography is my passion
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try