Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
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Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Tuesday
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Just got to our Airbnb!
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.