Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
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Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
I’d love this…lol
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Love this one 😂🧟
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.