The pen is writier than the sword.
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wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
yall want some gasoline milk
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.