Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
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My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir