I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
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this makes me so uncomfortable
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
translated into Canadian
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh