therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: π€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈ
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Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I know βhateβ is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, Iβm going to put it in the living room.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isnβt even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Realizing Iβm at the age that ppl say βhe started at age ___ and still became a successβ
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Looking up the guy whoβs running at me progressively faster
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Apparently they donβt want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you canβt be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you canβt be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda donβt want to have to do either