I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
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I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
me after drinking all the wine:
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE