Kentucky names the shit out of places
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If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening