Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
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“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?