Ok, but like, how married are you?
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A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO