Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
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I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Spa day..😅
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
i love meeting boys on tinder
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.