Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
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therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.