judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
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the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.