My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
You Might Also Like
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal