The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
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I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
got so much cardio in today
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.