[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
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{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.