Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
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You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Just a friendly reminder!
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure