I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
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dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.