Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
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You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Did my cat write this