Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
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I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Dune (2021)
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I thought this was funny lol
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses