If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
You Might Also Like
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Ooh I do like a good funnel
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.