Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
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completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.