Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
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The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend